Friday, April 24, 2009

Douche Dads!

I was rewatching the latest episode of Lost today (spoiler alert for people who are still very very behind on Lost...just skip to the very bottom until you're caught up). Anywho, at one point, Dr. Pierre Chang was being a douche to Hurley and Miles and Hurley goes "Dude, that guy is a total douche" (I'm paraphrasing, so I don't know if that's completely right) and Miles says "That douche is my dad." (cue dramatic crescendo). I yelled at my mom "This episode just should have been named 'That Douche is My Dad'". This whole turn of events led to me thinking in general about dads on the show. Think about any dad you know that is on Lost and odds are they are a complete douche: Mile's dad, Locke's dad, Sawyer's dad, Jack's (and Claire's) dad, Ben's dad, Sun's dad, Penny's dad, Kate's (step)dad, Hurley's dad, Ben, Sawyer, Michael...each and every one of them are douche-tastic. I'm sure there are many many more but these are just off the top of my head. Wow, that was a long set up but the point is, I am hereby declaring that Lost will henceforth be called Douche Dads. I even have a theme song!

(to the tune of the MacGrubber theme song)

Douche Dads!
Douchein' it up and and douchey douche a douche douchey-douche.
Douche Dads!
We'll steal your kidneys you'll blow us up and then you'll go to jail.
Douche Dads!
Shoot Ana Lucia just to try to get your kid back.
Douche Dads!
Drinkin' and drinkin' shoot your wife and then you'll shoot yourself.
Douche Daaaads!
(generally you can just make this song as long as you feel like making it. Just keep adding douche-ridden lyrics and you've got it.)



Also, I saw this today:

KANYE IS THE SMOKE MONSTER! (I know this sort of conflicts with my contention that DeVito is the smoke monster, but you don't think they could BOTH be the smoke monster?! They could and they are.)

an unnecessary rant in defense of the fan(boy)

Before we begin, I have two things to address: (1) I realize that is is a response to a review written over two months ago. Old news. Why should I even bother writing about it? Because it made me very very sad. The internet seems to be ruining my happiness lately. (First the old man 30 Rock lover is a sex offender and now this?) (2) I don't necessarily consider myself a Star Wars geek (though I have been known to make a mean tauntaun quip in my day), but I have fanboyish tendencies towards many things, so perhaps that is why this Ebert review upset me so much.

I have a bit of a beef to pick with Roger Ebert, who you may remember from my blog as the best person ever to exist. I watched Fanboys last night and enjoyed it. It wasn't a brilliant movie, but it was amusing and entertaining. Then this morning I read Roger Ebert's review of the movie. You might not want to read it. It made me very unhappy, mainly because I have such faith in Ebert, even when he is praising movies like Paul Blart: Mall Cop. I can still appreciate his reviews even when I disagree wholeheartedly with him because he is generally very consistent in how he watches movies. He critiques movies based on what they aim to be. It isn't, for instance, correct to compare a movie like Paul Blart to Ben-Hur. They are not trying to be the same thing, and thus it would be unfair to treat them alike, regardless of the quality of both movies. This is where my beef with Ebert's review of Fanboys comes into play. It seemed to me that his entire dislike of the movie stemmed from his dislike of the people it tries to depict. Before he even begins to critique the movie, he starts with a critique of fandom devotees (awkward terminology, I know, but I'm trying to differentiate here between the category of people and the movie, and it is hard so give me a break). Here's what he has to say about fanboys (lowercase f): "If you know absolutely all the trivia about your cubbyhole of pop culture, it saves you from having to know anything about anything else. That's why it's excruciatingly boring to talk to such people: They're always asking you questions they know the answer to."

This is okay in itself. Ebert does not have to enjoy these people. But, as a critic, he should understand that this movie is made for these people just as Paul Blart is made for the kind of person who goes to see that movie. He should have reviewed it with that in mind, as he usually does. But he just doesn't seem to be able to get over this.

"Its primary flaw is that it's not critical. It is a celebration of an idiotic lifestyle, and I don't think it knows it..."

No, I'm pretty sure Fanboys realized it is a celebration of this lifestyle. It just doesn't (as Ebert obviously does) think that lifestyle is "idiotic". That's why the movie was made. Just as many other movies about a certain group of people is a celebration of those people. Pirates of the Caribbean is a celebration of pirates. Free Willy, a celebration of whales and boys; Ben-Hur, a celebration of chariot races; and Jurassic Park, a celebration of dinosaurs. Okay so I'm terrible at examples (although I think I would be a terrific asset to the marketing of any of those movies). It seems to only be Ebert who has labeled this lifestyle "idiotic". He can not understand the motivations of any of the characters and shrugs off the entire premise of the movie because he can not understand that a love of Star Wars is just as valid a passion as a love for anything anybody could possibly love. It's all about what makes people light up.

Fanboys wasn't a masterpiece of cinema, no, but it didn't have to be. That's not what it was aiming for. I still love you Roger Ebert, but consider us in a lovers' quarrel for the moment. Congrats on your fancy new plaque though.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Your Homework for the Evening

1. Watch this video:

2. Count all the things that she said. Because she did say that. She said that all night.

3. Write a 1000 word paper on the proper use of that's what she said, to be turned in tomorrow morning.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Happy BirthdayChan!

Guess whose birthday it is today? I'll give you five guesses. Actually, I'll give you five guesses as to whose birthday it is NOT today:
Jackie Chan...fuck! You guys all lost. It IS Jackie Chan's birthday today. I love your karate, Jackie. I think you're cute.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Blog Links

In the little side part of this blog, I've added a list of very nice blogs (and blog-like things) written by people I don't know. I recommend them very highly. My favorites are probably those written by Patton Oswalt and Roger Ebert. If I could marry both of their brains, I would be happy forever and ever.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Connecting the Pieces

I was re watching a Lost episode from season three (yes, this show is slowly taking over my life, what of it?) and I think I have discovered the secret to the entire show: Why is Mac from It's Always Sunny guarding the freaky rave Clockwork Orange room where the Others are keeping Alex's boyfriend?

Coincidence? No, my friends. And I think we can all figure out what this means. It means that Danny DeVito is the Smoke Monster. It is all connected, people. Mac (idiot though he is) would never fall for the old Wookiee prisoner gag, which means that he must have had a reason to let Sawyer steal his gun. In other words, Danny "Smokey" DeVito told him to let this happen. Bam! Bullet-proof theory.

Also, I spent most of my time at work yesterday creating something very important. It is not done yet, but here is a picture of the work in progress:

I'm not sure how it will be important, all I know is I had to make it. It is fate. Fate or lunacy, I am not sure which yet. I'll let you know when I figure it out.


I'm very excited to go to Bonnaroo with my best lady!

Snoop Dogg, be ready to meet your maker.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Things My Cat Eats: Hour Seven

This blog. Regular posting will commence in 19:00 hours. Sorry for the annoyance.

Things My Cat Eats: Hour Six

Again, nothing.

Things My Cat Eats: Hour Five

My Soul.

Things My Cat Eats: Hour Four

My Right Arm

Things My Cat Eats: Hour Three

Some Meow Mix

Things My Cat Eats: Hour Two

A piece of fluff from her butt.

Things My Cat Eats: Hour One

Nothing of note.

Major Blog Change

I have, after some careful consideration, decided to shut down my blog. Or rather, my blog as you all know it. The old posts will still be here for posterity, but if you continue to visit, this url will from now on be completely focused on reporting things my cat is eating at any moment. I thought this news would be much more pleasing than the shit I currently post.