Monday, June 22, 2009

Harry Potter The Musical

Who loves theatre? (Braden) Who loves musicals? (perverts) Who wants to waste far too much time watching this video of some people who made a Harry Potter musical?! No one? Okay. Just me then, I guess. See you in two hours, stupid people who don't want to watch this...

Friday, June 19, 2009

some wonderful things made

Braden and Sara are the most beautiful of all beauties.

Sometimes I listen to Andrew Bird while napping

Bonnaroo was so fantastic! I would post a full recap but that would take too long and no one would want to read the whole thing, so I'll make a list of the best parts (people like lists, right?):

strange torrential rain the first day

straw hats
David Byrne wearing a tutu while singing "Burning Down the House"
The Mars Volta (especially their strangely sexy and funny lead singer)
sweaty morning yoga
making Spaghett!ios hobo-style
taking a beautiful nap while Andrew Bird was playing
seeing Max Weinberg drum it up
Michael and Michael (and Aziz!)
dancing frantically on a board to Okkervil River
imagining Parker's day alone, montage style
half-priced hotdogs
long discussions of motorboating
Raffi on the ride home

Friday, May 29, 2009

Throw Your Hands Up Batman

Throw 'em up!

Work Harder!

Beyonce, Kelly, Michelle, and the ugly one

PS: if you're messing around with that Yooouuu Tuuube thing, never, I repeat NEVER try it with "Pop" by N*SYNC. You are warned.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Cutelander

There can be only one. You have thirty seconds to decide which of the following animals get to live. You are only allowed to pick one. If you don't choose, all of them will be killed in horrible ways along with your family.

Here are your candidates...

1.) Slow Loris:

2.) Pygmy Jerboa:

3.) Francois Leaf-Monkey:

4.) Baby Sloth:

Your 30 seconds


I just got back from watching Star Trek (again) which inspired me to search for old Star Trek clips on YouTube, which led me to this video:

Ladies and Gentlemen, I think I have reached the end of the internet. It can get no better than this. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to watch some TOS. If you don't hear from me again, it is because I have lost what little remains of my sanity. Spock out.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Ben Ben Ben Ben Ben Ben Ben Ben

I just found this through Jorge Garcia's Blog and it made me really happy so I though I'd share it with you all even though you all are probably sick of my Benjamin Linus-loving by now. I obviously don't care about your boredom, because here it comes: Ben...Simpsons style.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I'm about to have been back

I just realized it has been almost a month since I posted on here! Oh boy, you guys, my bad. I didn't abandon you so don't feel like I did. I just haven't had internet because your mother left me so I have been living outside the 7-Eleven. But I will continue to post here and I still love you.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Douche Dads!

I was rewatching the latest episode of Lost today (spoiler alert for people who are still very very behind on Lost...just skip to the very bottom until you're caught up). Anywho, at one point, Dr. Pierre Chang was being a douche to Hurley and Miles and Hurley goes "Dude, that guy is a total douche" (I'm paraphrasing, so I don't know if that's completely right) and Miles says "That douche is my dad." (cue dramatic crescendo). I yelled at my mom "This episode just should have been named 'That Douche is My Dad'". This whole turn of events led to me thinking in general about dads on the show. Think about any dad you know that is on Lost and odds are they are a complete douche: Mile's dad, Locke's dad, Sawyer's dad, Jack's (and Claire's) dad, Ben's dad, Sun's dad, Penny's dad, Kate's (step)dad, Hurley's dad, Ben, Sawyer, Michael...each and every one of them are douche-tastic. I'm sure there are many many more but these are just off the top of my head. Wow, that was a long set up but the point is, I am hereby declaring that Lost will henceforth be called Douche Dads. I even have a theme song!

(to the tune of the MacGrubber theme song)

Douche Dads!
Douchein' it up and and douchey douche a douche douchey-douche.
Douche Dads!
We'll steal your kidneys you'll blow us up and then you'll go to jail.
Douche Dads!
Shoot Ana Lucia just to try to get your kid back.
Douche Dads!
Drinkin' and drinkin' shoot your wife and then you'll shoot yourself.
Douche Daaaads!
(generally you can just make this song as long as you feel like making it. Just keep adding douche-ridden lyrics and you've got it.)



Also, I saw this today:

KANYE IS THE SMOKE MONSTER! (I know this sort of conflicts with my contention that DeVito is the smoke monster, but you don't think they could BOTH be the smoke monster?! They could and they are.)

an unnecessary rant in defense of the fan(boy)

Before we begin, I have two things to address: (1) I realize that is is a response to a review written over two months ago. Old news. Why should I even bother writing about it? Because it made me very very sad. The internet seems to be ruining my happiness lately. (First the old man 30 Rock lover is a sex offender and now this?) (2) I don't necessarily consider myself a Star Wars geek (though I have been known to make a mean tauntaun quip in my day), but I have fanboyish tendencies towards many things, so perhaps that is why this Ebert review upset me so much.

I have a bit of a beef to pick with Roger Ebert, who you may remember from my blog as the best person ever to exist. I watched Fanboys last night and enjoyed it. It wasn't a brilliant movie, but it was amusing and entertaining. Then this morning I read Roger Ebert's review of the movie. You might not want to read it. It made me very unhappy, mainly because I have such faith in Ebert, even when he is praising movies like Paul Blart: Mall Cop. I can still appreciate his reviews even when I disagree wholeheartedly with him because he is generally very consistent in how he watches movies. He critiques movies based on what they aim to be. It isn't, for instance, correct to compare a movie like Paul Blart to Ben-Hur. They are not trying to be the same thing, and thus it would be unfair to treat them alike, regardless of the quality of both movies. This is where my beef with Ebert's review of Fanboys comes into play. It seemed to me that his entire dislike of the movie stemmed from his dislike of the people it tries to depict. Before he even begins to critique the movie, he starts with a critique of fandom devotees (awkward terminology, I know, but I'm trying to differentiate here between the category of people and the movie, and it is hard so give me a break). Here's what he has to say about fanboys (lowercase f): "If you know absolutely all the trivia about your cubbyhole of pop culture, it saves you from having to know anything about anything else. That's why it's excruciatingly boring to talk to such people: They're always asking you questions they know the answer to."

This is okay in itself. Ebert does not have to enjoy these people. But, as a critic, he should understand that this movie is made for these people just as Paul Blart is made for the kind of person who goes to see that movie. He should have reviewed it with that in mind, as he usually does. But he just doesn't seem to be able to get over this.

"Its primary flaw is that it's not critical. It is a celebration of an idiotic lifestyle, and I don't think it knows it..."

No, I'm pretty sure Fanboys realized it is a celebration of this lifestyle. It just doesn't (as Ebert obviously does) think that lifestyle is "idiotic". That's why the movie was made. Just as many other movies about a certain group of people is a celebration of those people. Pirates of the Caribbean is a celebration of pirates. Free Willy, a celebration of whales and boys; Ben-Hur, a celebration of chariot races; and Jurassic Park, a celebration of dinosaurs. Okay so I'm terrible at examples (although I think I would be a terrific asset to the marketing of any of those movies). It seems to only be Ebert who has labeled this lifestyle "idiotic". He can not understand the motivations of any of the characters and shrugs off the entire premise of the movie because he can not understand that a love of Star Wars is just as valid a passion as a love for anything anybody could possibly love. It's all about what makes people light up.

Fanboys wasn't a masterpiece of cinema, no, but it didn't have to be. That's not what it was aiming for. I still love you Roger Ebert, but consider us in a lovers' quarrel for the moment. Congrats on your fancy new plaque though.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Your Homework for the Evening

1. Watch this video:

2. Count all the things that she said. Because she did say that. She said that all night.

3. Write a 1000 word paper on the proper use of that's what she said, to be turned in tomorrow morning.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Happy BirthdayChan!

Guess whose birthday it is today? I'll give you five guesses. Actually, I'll give you five guesses as to whose birthday it is NOT today:
Jackie Chan...fuck! You guys all lost. It IS Jackie Chan's birthday today. I love your karate, Jackie. I think you're cute.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Blog Links

In the little side part of this blog, I've added a list of very nice blogs (and blog-like things) written by people I don't know. I recommend them very highly. My favorites are probably those written by Patton Oswalt and Roger Ebert. If I could marry both of their brains, I would be happy forever and ever.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Connecting the Pieces

I was re watching a Lost episode from season three (yes, this show is slowly taking over my life, what of it?) and I think I have discovered the secret to the entire show: Why is Mac from It's Always Sunny guarding the freaky rave Clockwork Orange room where the Others are keeping Alex's boyfriend?

Coincidence? No, my friends. And I think we can all figure out what this means. It means that Danny DeVito is the Smoke Monster. It is all connected, people. Mac (idiot though he is) would never fall for the old Wookiee prisoner gag, which means that he must have had a reason to let Sawyer steal his gun. In other words, Danny "Smokey" DeVito told him to let this happen. Bam! Bullet-proof theory.

Also, I spent most of my time at work yesterday creating something very important. It is not done yet, but here is a picture of the work in progress:

I'm not sure how it will be important, all I know is I had to make it. It is fate. Fate or lunacy, I am not sure which yet. I'll let you know when I figure it out.


I'm very excited to go to Bonnaroo with my best lady!

Snoop Dogg, be ready to meet your maker.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Things My Cat Eats: Hour Seven

This blog. Regular posting will commence in 19:00 hours. Sorry for the annoyance.

Things My Cat Eats: Hour Six

Again, nothing.

Things My Cat Eats: Hour Five

My Soul.

Things My Cat Eats: Hour Four

My Right Arm

Things My Cat Eats: Hour Three

Some Meow Mix

Things My Cat Eats: Hour Two

A piece of fluff from her butt.

Things My Cat Eats: Hour One

Nothing of note.

Major Blog Change

I have, after some careful consideration, decided to shut down my blog. Or rather, my blog as you all know it. The old posts will still be here for posterity, but if you continue to visit, this url will from now on be completely focused on reporting things my cat is eating at any moment. I thought this news would be much more pleasing than the shit I currently post.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Don't Worry, One Day We Will All Be Amazing Little Boys Playing With Monsters

Go watch this trailer right now and share in my joy/

(It looks so good! I am excited! Who's with me?)

PS: This is how I feel right now...

Monday, March 16, 2009

Things I would Like for My Birthday

This. Also, this. Oh, and just go ahead and throw one of these in while you're at it.

The world OWES me a Dharma jumpsuit. I am entitled to this shit, people. Make it happen. You should also probably buy me five different ones, just to give me some variety in my wardrobe. I will be wearing this every day.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

day well spent

Today, I went to the Planetarium and wept. The beauty of colliding galaxies (simulated though they may be) is the closest thing to God I can imagine.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

A Very Informative and Pleasing Chart

If I was on this chart, I would be a Lincoln Lincoln. (Click on chart for a bigger chart. Bigger charts are more pleasing to the eye.)

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Minneapolis: land of dance

I sensed a common theme running through my time in Minneapolis this past week. See if you can spot it:

Correct answer: ladies

Thank You, Fakeycakes

I have not been myself since Super Deluxe went under, making me unable to watch uncensored Brad Neeley videos. I am myself again. Never leave us, fakeycakes from YouTube.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to go rip all the audio from these.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

We’re all convinced sooner or later

Lost, you guys! I love each episode more than the one that preceded it. (Or something like that.) I would post all sorts of half thought out theories about how Jack and Lapidus are totally going to get it on because of all the Biblical parallels, but I have a much more important point to address: I love Ben. Love him so much. Each episode just confirms this, no matter what he does. Strangle Locke? I love you! Try to murder Penny (probably)? I love you even more! No matter what terrible, murderous, mercurial, Keamy-stabbing, father-killing, lying-just-for-the-sake-of-lying, thing Ben does, I'm with him 100%. In fact, the more arguably evil Benjamin Linus is, the more I love him. Because I know that underneath the horrible, slimy, conniving exterior is, well, pretty much the same thing.

“How can you be reading?” “My mother taught me.”

Monday, February 23, 2009


In the struggle to be content with one's life, one may never stop to think if one's life is worthy of contentedness to begin with. Happiness is fine and all, but gods it is boring. Quick, someone kick me in head. Anything to make something happen in there.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


This is adorable. Dance, boy, dance!

BOOMBOX from Ely Kim on Vimeo.

Also, those are all very good songs. I want a mixtape of them.

Hot Pocket Sammich, or the Quest to Eat Hot Pockets (a story in pictures)

Previously on Blog, I came up with a plan to make Hot Pockets edible (or perhaps more disgusting, I wasn't quite sure). What follows is the carrying out of said plan.

Braden and I set out to buy the materials for the Hot Pocket Sammich.

A sign? Or just the microwave telling us the Hot Pockets are done cooking.

Still frozen on the inside.

Creating the Sammich. I didn't know what would be okay to put in the middle of the sandwich so I decided boring was a safe bet and put some salami. As soon as we opened the package of salami, however, we knew something was up. It smelled...of queefs (Is that okay to say on a blog? There is no other word.)

Results: I found the salami to make the Hot Pocket more edible. Not good by any stretch of the imagination, but edible. As soon as I tried to eat the Hot Pocket by itself, I lost my appetite. There were lumpy rubbery things inside, claiming to be cheese. We also tried it with balsamic vinegar, which was pretty good.

A warning to all in my house not to smell the salami.

The plate smiles back at us.

Grade: C- (edible)

Update: last night I tried round two with Mikhail. I made a Hot Pocketurger, with a buffalo burger and mushrooms between cheese pizza Hot Pockets. Grade: C (slightly more edible than the Sammich).

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Obligatory Valentine's Day Post

I just saw this on Postsecret and thought it perfectly described how I feel whenever I'm presented with a romantic situation. Oh fuck, indeed. This is not a mopey lovesick post. My brain isn't like that now. I had such a blast with friends last night. They are still sleeping off what is probably a hangover (I will find out soon enough I hope, unless they are dead) in my room. So take that Valentine's Day! I think you're great after all.

I ate that Hot Pocket Sammich by the way. Update to come.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

idea of the century probably

I was just looking at this wonderful site that I found on Vvinni's blog (he is great. he is good. oh yes oh dear oh my.) and I came up with what might be the single most terrifying and also amazing idea in the long history of things you should make in your toaster but instead make in your microwave: The Hot Pocket Sammich. It is not just an Hot Pocket (which is bad enough by itself) but is instead two Hot Pockets with a sandwich in the middle. Like a normal sandwich but substitute bread for awful. I am going to create this monstrosity (tomorrow maybe?) and report back in full (disgusting) detail. With (disgusting) photos. A variance on The Hot Pocket Sammich is the Hot Pocketurger, a hamburger with Hot Pocket buns. This sounds delicious to my ears already. If the Sammich proves vaguely edible, I may try this.

Deeze Taxes! Deeze Minneapolises!

I just spent all of 15 minutes doing my taxes. And I am getting bailout levels of money back. Billions of dollars, to be exact. I don't know what everyone is complaining about all of the time, with deeze tax returns. Stop complaining, dummies!

I also bought my tickets to visit my dearest Pip in Minneapolis this morning! Here are pictures I found on Flickr of things in Minneapolis I want to see (they are in order from pretty excited to extremely excited):

(I spent a whole several minutes wondering if I had a picture with both of you in it and it is lucky I found one, so you'll have to deal with this crappy one. Deal with it okay!)

Saturday, February 7, 2009


Today was a complete shitstorm. There was literally a storm made of shit at work today. A hurricane of crap. A tornado of poo with a chance of scattered pee showers. People get angry when they don't have places to put their feces. If today had a face, that face would have a dirty sanchez. I'm going to bed. See you at poo 'o' clock. (I hate myself so much for that. I cry your pardon, world.)

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Long Time No Update

Make that even longer time, no update. It is beautiful out and I would much rather be reading The Dark Tower in my backyard and this is my second time waking up today and this time I promise to wake up for more time than it takes to watch Lost (although that is very important). Perhaps I will update soon with some of the new and very happy and exciting things that I have been feeling and discovering (and no, not that SPOILER ALERT Jin is alive (!!! - yes, parentheses inside of parentheses, I know. Also, I am very serious about spoiler alerts, apparently.) /SPOILER ALERT although yes, that is very happy). Also, there will maybe be some word of the novel Braden and I have decided to write. It is brilliant and inspired and ohhhh yessssssss.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Fuck that!

The Mikel(blog) and I went to the Tim and Eric Awesome Tour, Great Job! last night at the Ogden. It was woooonderful. With bulges. So many. And new slang (you don't get to learn deeze because you 'ent cool enough to learn) and previews of season four. It was such a Quallity show, you probably should have been there. It was truly lovely. The night opened with a warm up act by DJ Douggpound, who told terrible jokes followed by techno remixes of said jokes. He was exquisite. Then Jim and Derrick themselves came out and did some really great diarrhea dances and showed some diarrhea videos. We weren't allowed to take pictures inside (which I was grateful for because there's always so many dicks at all the concerts with their cameras all the time, amIright?) so instead here is a very nice picture of Obama and a pup.

Great Job, Obama. you deserve the new puppy.

But that's not Quall because also I beat Mikhail's ass to the ground playing Spyro. He'll try to claim otherwise, but he knows I kicked his stupid little booty to the floor, son. My knowledge of dragons and fodder is limitless. 'Get about it, Mikhail.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

In which I ramble on about music

I just wrote a long thingy about the new Decemberists song ("The Rake's Song") I downloaded this morning from their website, but then I deleted it because it made me feel gross writing those things. I don't want to tell people what to think (yes, I realize this is the primary function of all blogs everywhere all the time). However, I will tell people what to do, so go download it from their website and then tell me what to think. I like being told what to think.

Also in music-y related news, I finally got Chad Vangaalen's Soft Airplane last night after being a long time admirer. He makes really nice songs and animations to go along with some of them. Here's "Molten Light" from said album:

If you like it, thou shouldst probably go check out his other videos. There isn't a huge amount, but there is enough, little one.

PS: I just taught myself half of a Cat Stevens song on my harmonica. I feel very accomplished, considering I really don't know how to play harmonica. I need to get better already.

Thursday, January 8, 2009


It was so beautiful out today! I tried out my new rock climbing shoes and played some really good harmonica at passing bicyclists. I've been much happier in the last few weeks than I can remember being for a long time. I'm not quite sure what the reason for it is, but it might be my brain sensing something new about to happen. Not so much new events as new ways of looking at and dealing with things. It is very nice! I'm sure I will post more about my new brain as it becomes adjusted to the new way of things.

Also, I just watched this and it made me pee myself from fright. Those gays are terrifying, dagnabbit. A.D. Miles, you are great!

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

To the Hobo that lives in my dumpster:

Please, live in another dumpster please. There aren't any nice things for you in there and you creep me out when I get home late at night with your loud breathing and rustling. I'm sorry you are a hobo, it must be really hard for you at this time of year but if you could just move to a dumpster that isn't on my driveway I would be very happy. I'm tired of sprinting into my garage.

Although, considering I haven't actually peeked over the top of my dumpster to look at you, you might not actually be a hobo. Here is a list of things you could be that are more horrifying than hobos:

An escaped rhino, waiting to kill my mom.
This is more terrifying because, obviously, I don't think you are trying to kill my mom. You are just trying to sleep and stay warm and maybe find some foodstuffs. But a parent-murdering rhino? Horrible. Get the intercourse out of my dumpster, rhino.

The Second Coming of Christ
I don't know why the second coming would be hiding in a dumpster in Fort Collins. Maybe this is a harbinger that the apocalypse will start in my yard. If you're in there, second coming, please find another place to hide for the next three years. My dumpster is not the best place for you to do that. If you come inside, we will make you tea.

Joseph Stalin

Probably the worst possible thing that could be living in my dumpster. I don't even want to think about it. I will, however, be keeping a force gun in my car at all times from now on, just in cases. Also, hobo, if you feel some sort of zombie alien infection start to take hold of you, get as far away from my house as possible. There will be NO Necromorphs in my dumpster. NONE.

After some lengthy discourse with myself, I have decided you can stay in my dumpster, hobo. It will keep these other things from living there.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Happy Benjamin Franklin Day!

Happy Benjamin Franklin Day Everyone!

And Happy Birthday, pep-pep!